Morning wake-up, or just a wake-up call?

Well, I woke up this morning and new what I was going to write about. Funny thing is I still remember what I was going to write about. Unfortunately, it’s not the “BIG” thing. I was sitting in my home office last night discussing a new layout and some design elements with my brother and business partner, Andrew. I noticed my idea book sitting on a shelf behind him. I’d been planning on paging through it to look for some specifics, and decided there was no time like the present.

I reached over and grabbed the book and began paging through it. I found the idea that I was looking for when I started back through the pages — from back to front. The idea that was written in the book was from December 5, 2003. I know for a fact though that it’s been bouncing around in my head far longer. I still talk about it to a few close people, and the idea has evolved to a point where I think I could almost make money doing it…so that’s the plan. Get the beta version up and running (yes, it’s something online) and go from there with testing and hopefully profits — maybe someone will even buy it from me.

I was looking in the same “To Do” list and noticed something else. The last item on the list of 15 different things was, and I quote, “Movie/Book/Whatever idea!!” So I can confidently say that for over three years I’ve been giving this some thought, but apparently not enough. I’ve known for that long that I’ve wanted to do it. That I’ve wanted to write something. That I’ve wanted that recognition for writing something great. My problem still is that I’m not sure what to write. Or am I? Is there something that I’m just sitting here complaining about not knowing what to write? Am I gaining some twisted form of satisfaction knowing that I can complain or just simply is it that I don’t want to commit to it?

I have a problem and I know it. I’m afraid; just as many other people are as well. It’s quite silly if you think about what I’m actually afraid of. I could see being afraid of sharks, or guns, or famine or something else. But for me, I’m scared and afraid of success! Yes, to be successful and actually recognized and respected is something that apparently I’m afraid of. My brother and I have spoken about this before, and we both feel it’s why we haven’t been able to take SPRY Design Group, our graphic & web design firm, seriously for the past — oh, ever!

Why? Why is it that we’re afraid of success? More importantly, why am I afraid of success or is there something more specific about being successful that actually scares me? Everyone always dreams of being rich and famous, but most only every think of it as a dream. Why not be rich and famous? In school children are often asked what they would like to be when they grow up. I know that I was asked this question, and thinking back, I can’t recall my answer. I think there was a fireman, a policeman and the usual super hero listed in there somewhere. The first two were dangerous, and the last was unrealistic, so I moved on. The next big one was architect, but not just any architect, someone that was highly respected; thought outside the box — sometimes too far outside the box, but was still recognized. Someone like Andrew Lloyd Wright who changed the way people look at buildings. That’s what I wanted to be.

Thinking about it now, at the age of twenty-eight, nobody asks me what I want to be when I grow up. People often ask me to grow up, but never what I want to be. Why? Am I all grown up now? I know plenty of people that would disagree if you say yes (right Terri). I’m fine, make that extremely happy, with not being grown up. I love being young at heart, and trying new things. So really, what do I want to be when I grow up. It’s a long list, but it goes something like this.

When I grow up I want to be:

  • Financially free to do the things that I want, when I want, with who I want, how I want.
  • Wealthy in time, money, friends, freedom and love.
  • Famous. Yes, famous. I want to be respected in my field by my peers, not necessarily known by everyone, but at least known and highly respected in my field and profession.

The list is longer, but since I’m at the office, I can’t think too much…too many distractions around here! My point is that I don’t actually want to be anything…but in fact that could be my problem. If I BE it, then I DO it, then I HAVE it…interesting how that should work. Now to decipher my life and ponder a little more. It’s crazy how a few simple, intense days and hours in a Personal Best seminar can change your life — or I guess technically my life.
(WC: 867)

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